REVIEW : 'On becoming' minus chapter 10 BY Toke Makinwa

What I learnt from 'On becoming' minus chapter 10

I wasn't going to read theis book, in fact I was just going to continue reading excerpts and form my opinions from that. Then two things happened I got emailed the book with a chapter missing and after reading the first chapter, I realized the Nigerian media loves sensationalism!

I did have my opinions before reading, like why write a book now, why use real names, why expose people in such a way that the shadow will never leave their lives or that of their kids.

Why? Why? Why?

The most important question and opinion I had was also why play the victim! If you have read all the excerpts from the bleaching scenario, to the Barcelos situation to the sex tape, then you know why I felt that way.

the most important lesson i live by is "Always remember that your regret today is exactly what you wanted at that moment so do not have regrets".

On reading this book minus chapter 10, I have a few life lessons I learnt, I hope you can learn from it considering the fact that they say it's better to learn from other people's mistakes!

• Infidelity should always be a deal breaker: I know it sounds stupid or unrealistic, but there is a big difference between a chronic cheater and a man who slipped for a minute.

• Love yourself so much that you know that you deserve to put yourself first: when I was in Uni or the year after Uni, I was taking a walk with a boyfriend when he jokingly said I love him more that I love myself! 

That was an eye opener for me, it wasn't true obviously but I felt there had to be an atom of truth in that statement. I decided that every decision I make in any relationship or friendship from that point, would always revolve around my happiness first.

• If people show you their true colour, don't think you can change it: we are often stuck trying to change who people are, the cheater, the self centered friend, unromantic lover, You won't start enjoying peace of mind until you decide to accept them as who they are and do you.

• God speaks to everyone, you can't negotiate with him, you just gotta listen; It's important to seek God's face in all you do and understand his plan for you.

• Parents and Family members are always right and you got to believe they just want the best for you: Do not make decisions they aren't very supportive of and even when you do, always make sure to tell them the truth and keep them in the loop.

• Pregnancy, marriage and unwanted ties do not save a relationship, if he/she isn't kind to you anymore and conversation isn't working, nothing else can! Do not take the easy way in, take the hard way out.

• Listen to the silence; this is a gift I have, I'm the kind of girl that can tell when my friends are dealing with something or when they are down and unhappy and it's just about listening to what they aren't saying. When you listen to the silence you understand what's happening around you.

• Everybody has a story; its easy to forget, where they are coming from, who scarred them, who they lost and shaped them. the moment you consider this things, its easier to be kind to people.

• Do not choose to be with someone out of pity or greed: When you decide to date, marry or become friends with a person, do not stay with them out of flimsy and negative emotions like pity or greed, it does no one any good and its never ends well.

• Find yourself outside who you are with: the beautiful thing about being in a relationship with anyone is what they bring with them, their stories, past, battles won, victories and even challenges. It is so important to find one's self at least to a certain point where you can define who you are even in vague words before you decide to share your life with someone else.

• Study your pattern; I recently realised i attract a lot of friends and acquaintances who just want to be or act like me, they don't know my story or how i do it but they want to do it, understanding the kind of pattern i lead in friendship as made me more cautious with people. (The writer's ex  dumped her at a club for someone else, then her husband kept dating other girls along with her, pattern? i think so).

• Accept your mistakes: we all make mistakes and move forward

• No one can shame you if you don't accept it; A lot of female tend to stay with guys because of their friends, what would they think, what would they say, how would they view it. Get rid of this mentality, no one can shame you for any reason. Talkless of things beyond your control. make decisions for yourself and forget shaming.

• Do not play the victim card: the next paragraph would summarize my point.

After spending two hours or less reading a 120 page leaked version of Toke Makinwa's "BECOMING", All i can say is there is a lot to learn but the book wasn't written as a lesson or as a motivational or an inspirational book. 

It was written more as a tool for revenge, to label a 'bad" michael power look alike "BAD". 

And yes maybe he is bad, but mentioning his name 378 times (according to diaryofanaijagirl) seems like people paid for a book on vengeance.

For christ sake, the book felt more like Maje's autobiography than it felt like Toke's, we read more about his relationships than we read about hers, and even though she tried to balance it out by putting in a few lines about his romantic side, it got quickly overshadowed by all his philandering and maltreatments.

The writer obviously has gone through her fair share of life issues from losing her parents to losing her world and "failing in love and marriage" like she puts it. However, there is so much that were obviously her fault from this tell all.

Since i'm going to only do one post on this book, i'm going to end by repeating a few points, There should always be a few things that are deal breakers in relationships, most of them should be determined by your threshold, if you keep accepting people's bullcrap, you can't come back to paint yourself the victim.

Be Truthful to yourself, Love yourself and put yourself first always.

P.s: If you decide to read this book, be sure you are in a good place in your relationship, because chances are it will make you over analyse your lover.